Sirius Black's Ten Step Guide
by albe-chan
Summary: Sirius Black’s Guide to Getting the Object of One’s Affections in Ten Easy Steps. A bet between mates turns into so much more. RLSB LEJP. mild SLASH. non-explicit SEX.
1. Chapter 1

**Sirius Black's Guide to Getting the Object of One's Affections in Ten Easy Steps**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male)!! Ye be warned

**Author's Note: **Ridiculously long title, I know, but…deal with it. This might become a series, but we'll see how long the first bit takes. So, I don't think there's much more to be said here…so let's roll it!

P.S. – I totally made up the 10 Step Process and if I read this in any other fan-fictions…ohh mama you will feel pain. It's MINE!! I have no idea if it works in real life however…

P.P.S. – Paramore is GREAT. Listen to them…live, acoustic, album, they fucking ROCK!

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Sirius Black could get anyone in ten days. He could have the trembling and begging for it beneath him, whispering his name, and various other (much more dirty) sentiments, in his ear. He was sure of it. Until his best mate in the whole world, James Potter, told him to prove it.

The two sat in the common room late one evening. James had been moaning and groaning and complaining that Lily Evans had rebuffed his attempts to woo her yet again, and Sirius had spoken of his world class skill and talent at the art of seduction.

"Pfft. Sure thing Padfoot. What's this big strategy then?"

"It's a simple ten step program."

"Let's hear it then."

"Step one; know your getting some chances, and whether the person of your ardor falls into them. If you're Snape, for example, no one wants you.

"If so, step two; get them to notice you exist.

"Once that's done, step three; let them know you care about them in some way. Be nice, polite, caring…that sort of shite.

"Step four; make them jealous with someone else who is also, hopefully, on step four of the program. Less broken hearts that way…

"Then step five; 'break up' with the person from the previous step while the person of your affections is nearby. Let them know you're available and looking.

"Step six; if they don't like you, too bad. But maybe the person from step four could help you out. You'll know if they don't come round sniffing. If they _do_ like you, then you show some interest in them. Compliments are nice.

"Step seven; kiss them. It's the surest way to know if they want 'that' sort of relationship.

"Step eight; if you haven't been hexed into oblivion from the kiss, do a Grand Gesture. Flowers, or love poems, doesn't really matter. Just let them know you want them in that way.

"Then, step nine; see if they return your affections.

"And step ten; once you have ascertained the other person is interested, then go shagging off into the sunset. If they don't like you, you're a miserable failure and maybe wanking off into the sunset is the best option."

James gaped. "And you just have that all memorized out in your mind?"

"Prongs," Sirius replied, grinning, "I am no longer just a pretty face, but a veritable plethora of useful information."

"…You stole that 'veritable plethora' bit from Mooney didn't you?"

"Oh yeah. …Too much?"

"No, no, it was nice, I liked it… But I _would_ like you to prove this plan works. There are an awful lot of places a bloke could get harmed and/or dumped."

"Pish posh. It's flawless. I've used it dozens of times. So…going to try it out on Evans?"

"I will if you do it simultaneously with someone of my choosing."

Padfoot surveyed him a moment. "Are you wagering me? _Me_?"

"It certainly looks that way."

"…Fine. Terms, then, Messr Prongs?"

"By the end of this ten step process, if you don't have your person begging for you, then I win and you owe me…well I guess the satisfaction of winning is enough. If I win, I get Evans, so…either way…"

"And if you lose, I get to rag on you. Ha. I like it. And if we both succeed?"

"It shall be a tie."

"And what do I get if I win?" James smirked now.

"You get the satisfaction of a righteous celebratory shag."

"Deal. You conquer your bird and I will conquer mine."

"Oh no. I get to choose remember." His gaze flicked to the portrait hole where someone had just entered. "And I choose…Mooney!"

Remus Lupin sat down on the couch next to Sirius and looked between his two mates. "Choose me for what?"

--

"Why did you pick him?" Sirius grumbled, later the next day as they walked down to the Quidditch pitch. "I fancy birds."

"Pfft, if you aren't at least bisexual Padfoot, I'm a muffin. And it's him because it's funny. Oh and I make a new rule, you aren't allowed to tell him. 'Cause that's cheating 'cause you and I both _know_ Mooney would help you out in a second."

"So? Just because Mooney actually can look at me without hexing me isn't _my_ fault."

James glared. "No. No telling him."

Sirius sighed dramatically and put a hand to his head as if he were about to faint. "Fine! The tragedy, the _horror_!!"

"Shut up. Take it like a man."

"…Fine. Jerk."

--

When they made it back up to the castle, they spotted Lily and Remus in deep conversation in the common room by the fire.

"What was step one again?" James murmured.

"Know your chances and if you think you're good, go for it."

"Check" said James, and Sirius bit back his witty (yeah, he could be witty!) retort. "Then?"

"Step two. Get them to notice you exist. And try not to get boils all over your face again like last time, eh," Sirius added, as he moved toward the pair in the chairs by the fire. James followed.

Sirius threw himself with all the grace of an antelope in Swan Lake into Remus' lap, looking up at him adoringly. "Hello Mooney."

"Hello Padfoot." He looked back at Lily. "So as I was saying, the chances of the charm _actually_ being able to be modified are like…well, it's rather abysmal."

"Yes but, but…b…" Lily trailed off as she caught sight of Potter. It was as though someone had turned on a wind machine and lights or something. Time seemed to have slowed as James lifted his shirt off slowly, the gentle ascent of the fabric over his head tantalizing. And she wasn't the only one staring. Half the females in the room were gaping openly, and the other half were watching covertly, especially those attached to boyfriends.

Lily watched as the smooth expanse of skin and muscle (ooh, what would it _feel_ like?) stretched delectably before he pulled his shirt right off and hooked it over his back with a finger. He was like a walking Calvin Klein model for fuck sake!!

"Hey Evans." He smiled charmingly and Lily closed her mouth, remembering she was supposed to hate him.

"Potter." She looked back at Remus to resume her conversation and realized she had forgotten what she had been about to say. Remus was smirking at her, and Padfoot looked put out, as he was now sitting on the edge of Remus' chair. James mimicked him with Lily's chair. "Potter, _why_ are you sitting beside me?"

"Because if I sat on you, you would have my bollocks nailed to the nearest wall." He leaned in and whispered rather erotically in her ear "Although you and I both know there are much better uses for them…"

And as she rolled her eyes, trying not to smirk, he winked and made to head up to the dorms.

"Padfoot! Good fellow, I must converse with you in the upstairs! Come, come!" Sirius followed. Once they had gained the privacy of the stairwell to the dorms, James rounded on his best mate. "How did I do?"

"Well, good news is, she definitely knows your there. And your face is delightfully boil-free!"

--

The next day in the back of Transfiguration, when they were supposed to be practicing their work, they held a whispered debate of step three.

"Lily doesn't take well to me being nice. I've tried."

"So? Remus already knows I'm bloody great, so what's the problem? Follow the rules. Geez."

James scowled. Sirius could have been much more helpful with this if he wanted… Ponce. "It's not fair!"

"Stop whining, or I'll just declare myself the winner…or tell Mooney about the bet. And you _know_ he'll tell Lily. And she won't like it too much methinks."

"You thinks… Lies and propaganda I say."

"Anyhow, back to the program. You need to get a move on with Evans, so you can get her to stop being so uppity about all those damned rules."

"Evans is not uppity!" James whispered fiercely. "She's _passionate_."

"Whatever. Just…go…show her you love her." James actually made to get up, but Sirius pulled him back down. "Not now idiot! We're in class!"

"That you are Mr. Black. And for talking and not doing the work that I have clearly assigned the class, you will also be in detention with me this evening." Sirius glared at his best friend, who smiled weakly in return.

"Sorry."

"…I hate you."

--

"Lily?"

Lily Evans looked up from her lunch. James Potter. Grr-eat… "Yes Potter?"

"Mind if I sit?"

She looked at him, fearing the worst (she was going to bet Elaborate Hoax or Brain Injury…Potter was never so thoughtful or considerate…) "No, go ahead. But you undoubtedly came here for some other reason than to just ask me to sit, so out with it." Her mind took a deviously naughty detour, and thoughts of him pulling his shirt off and those abs flexing and stretching…pants sliding down hips and - NO! Bad Lily!

James smiled as though he knew just where her thoughts had strayed and she blushed. "No ploy Evans. Clam down. I just wanted to say, I know I've been a bit of a jerk in the past-" She snorted derisively. There was the understatement of her _life. _"But I want to…look, you're Head girl, and I'm Head Boy. We need to show some solidarity. A united front as it were."

Lily stared blankly. She was dreaming…or hallucinating…because…was Potter being…responsible? Noo…

James grinned again. "I know. But I promise, I'm not trying to con you or anything. I just…I like you, and if you don't like me the same way, I have to get over that. But I want us to get to know one another. I care Lily. Really."

And with that, before she could reply, he got up and strode away to where his friends sat, talking and laughing merrily.

James smirked at Padfoot who smirked back. "Good job Prongsie."

"What?" Remus asked, looking between the two.

"Sirius has something he needs to tell you, don't you Padfoot?" James said smugly.

Sirius glared. "Yes." He turned a winning smile to Remus. "Yes."

"What's up Padfoot?" he asked softly.

"We can…talk about it after lunch! Yes! Now…time for food."

Remus rolled his eyes but dropped it for then. Only to resume it the second they rose from the table. "Time's up. Tell me."

"Oh you insufferable prat. Come on then, it's not something I want everyone hearing."

He pulled his friend out of the main populace and down a small corridor off the Entrance hall that led to a broom cupboard. "Sirius, I don't want to go into a broom cupboard with you. This is fine." For some reason the lycanthrope was blushing.

"Right." He had no idea what he was going to say. Time to turn on the good ol' Black charm. "Remus…" Oh fuck, how to go about this…?

"Sirius, what's wrong?" asked Remus, sounding genuinely concerned now.

"Nothing…nothing I just…we're good friends right? Like…we're mates, yeah?"

"Of course. Why? What have you done?"

"What? Nothing! I just…I'm glad we're friends. 'Cause…I care about you y'know?"

Remus still looked wary, but he smiled. "Aww, you great soppy git. That's what you needed to tell me?"

"Yes." He flung his arms about Mooney's shoulders casually. "But don't tell James, 'cause I don't love him anymore."

"Really…"

"Nope. Not at all."

Remus rolled his eyes, but smiled. "You're incorrigible."

"I know… What's incorrigible mean?"

--

"So he just told me he cared! And…then he left! No attempt at playing footsies, no asking me out for the seven billionth time…just…left."

"So why do you think something's wrong?" Remus asked. He and Lily were on patrol in the corridors just after curfew to ensure no one was sneaking about when they weren't supposed to be.

"Umm…because as noble as you might be Remus, they are Marauders! Something's up…I know it."

Remus suppressed a laugh. "You know…maybe he's just growing up. Trying to show you he isn't that insufferable arrogant berk you think he is. Because he's really not y'know…"

Lily sighed. "Don't tell him, but…I know. He's actually been much better this year."

"Does this mean you're going to date him? Give him a chance at least?"

She shrugged. "Maybe. And what about you, Lupin? You going to find yourself a nice girl?"

Remus looked away. "We'll see…"

"I honestly don't know how you're still single. Lots of girls like you. I mean, what's not to like, right?" His blush deepened. "So why haven't you just picked one of the girl's who eye you up when they think no one's looking?"

"Lily, if I tell you something will you keep it to yourself?"

Lily looked marginally surprised, but acquiesced, nodding. "Yeah. Of course I won't breath a word to anyone."

"I met someone over the summer-"

"Aww!!!" Lily squealed. He shushed her. "Sorry, go on."

"And we…sort of…"

"Fooled around? Remus you lost your virginity? Aww!!"

"Yeah. Only…it was just a summer thing, we both agreed to that, and he was a Muggle anyhow, so it's not like-"

"_He_?" she interrupted. Lily stared at him. "Are you saying…you're…?"

Remus grimaced. "Yeah."

"Oh…hmm…yeah I see it."

Remus laughed, half in amusement and half in relief. "So you aren't freaked out that I'm a pouf or anything?"

"Pfft, Remus this is the seventies. Come on. Besides, then I would just be a great filthy hypocrite."

"Thanks Lily, I knew – what?"

She laughed. "Oh yeah. Mary Mcdonald and I snogged last year…and then…a friend from home and I over the summer. Only…don't go blabbing that around, please."

"I won't." He chuckled. "Look at the Prefects, going all Free Love."

Lily smiled back and hugged him impulsively. "Y'know, I always wanted a gay friend…"

--

"Alright, so we're done step three, now what's the next bit?" James was biting at a fingernail worriedly in the common-room that evening. He hoped this didn't go to Hell in a hand basket. Sure, he thought he was dong well do far, but he didn't want to lose the momentum. Or end up the on the receiving end of Lily's hexes.

"Ooh, my favourite step. Make them jealous. Now…who to pick to make them jealous with…hmm… For you I'm thinking Jeanette Baudelaire. She's smart, but not too smart, gorgeous, but not so much so that Lily's thinks she's lost you, and happens to fancy that Richardson bloke in Hufflepuff."

"Won't Lily know she doesn't really like me?"

"Pfft, no. Evans hates her, as much as she could ever hate anyone. They don't speak anymore after, apparently, Jeanette told her to quit showing off in Charms in Third Year. Besides, I've already talked to her and she's agreed to help you out."

"Oh…right, awesome. And who do you pick for yourself?"

Sirius shrugged. "Doesn't matter."

"What do you mean it _doesn't matter_? Of course it matters!" Sirius merely shrugged again. "Stop doing that! This is serious!"

"Why? I don't want to marry Mooney…"

"Stop pouting because I picked him. You like him, and you just don't want to admit it that yeah, you might just be attracted to another guy."

Fuck James and his reasonable thinking… "Fine. For me I pick…any random guy."

"No. Since you're going to be thick about this, I'll pick. And who do I choose…someone Remus would be jealous of…got it! You know that Ravenclaw who kept making…er…comments about him last year?"

"Eww, him? I couldn't be with him, even as a sham. It would hurt Remus."

"Oh, but you don't like him at all that way. Bloody wanker."

"Fine, so maybe, _maybe_, I think we would be great together," he waggled his eyebrows suggestively and James groaned, "but there's no one who would make him jealous. Remus doesn't _get_ jealous. Ever."

"I know…damn. Then choose someone you know would irk him…like another Prefect or something. Ooh! Or like a Fifth Year…he would completely disapprove of you 'taking advantage' of someone."

Sirius grinned wickedly. "That is so perfect. James, this is why I love you."

Then he got up and made his way over to go and chat up some innocent-looking boys. James rolled his eyes. This was going to be legendary…

--

"Evans!"

"Black."

"Fancy meeting you here, eh?" He said, sitting beside her.

"This is the library. More like 'I thought you were afraid of books'."

Sirius smiled and leaned into her personal space. "I am. But I just thought I should tell you the news."

Lily sighed and finally looked up from her Transfiguration essay. It wasn't due for a week, but she figured it best to get it out of the way. "What news?"

"About James of course! He…well he found someone and… I think he might just be serious about her."

"If this is some kind of attempt for him to get you to ask me out for him-"

"No, no. I mean… you know Jeanette Baudelaire, right?"

Lily's mouth tightened. "I know of her, yes."

"Yeah. They're together." He was looking at her intently, and just barely caught the flicker of disappointment in her eyes.

"Oh. Good for them then. I take it this means I will be Potter-free for awhile?"

Sirius smiled, and it was…pitying? He didn't know that…that she…might actually not hate his best friend…did he? "Yeah." He knocked lightly on the table and got up. "Just thought I'd let you know. See you around Evans."

She watched him go and tried to ignore the bad feeling weighing down on her. She didn't fancy Potter. She didn't really even like him. He was…arrogant, and abrasive, and obtuse and…and oh good Merlin…she fancied him…

--

"So she looked disappointed?"

"For the fifth time already Prongs, yes! She looked like someone had just told her they were tearing down the library. But she hid it pretty well."

James beamed. "Right, so now you need to make Remus jealous."

"I have a plan for that actually… Bring Remus to the dormitory at eight fifteen tonight."

"Why?"

"For the plan!"

"What plan?"

"To make him jealous! For you to ultimately get in Evans' knickers you dolt! Merlin, can you stop thinking about her for more than ten seconds or are you that hopelessly besotted?" Sirius shouted as they made their way to the kitchens for a little snack.

James looked up at him guiltily. "What was that? I wasn't listening…"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

--

"Mooney! I need help with my Potions homework."

Remus looked up from his Ancient Runes. His hair was messy, having run his hands through it half a dozen times in the last ten minutes, and he looked like hell. "What do you need help with?" he asked wearily. He had this monster translation due in two days and had somehow managed to leave it until the last minutes.

"I forget… And I left my stuff upstairs."

"Go get it and I'll help you."

"Er…no offence Remus, but you look like Death warmed over. You okay?"

"Stressed." He offered a wan smile. "Go get your Potions stuff and we can go over it."

"Wanna come with? Shake off the sleepy?"

Chuckling, Remus agreed, and they ascended the stairs together. James ushered Remus before him into the room with overzealous theatrics that he had undoubtedly picked up from Sirius, and the werewolf opened the door.

"Hey Padfoot, what are you doing up here a…lone…" The last word died on his lips as he saw, quite clearly, Sirius was _not_ alone. In fact he was far from alone.

James had retrieved his bag, and had it slung over one shoulder by his own bed. Then he looked over to where Remus was standing just inside the door, looking rather confused, while Sirius stared back at him over his shoulder, the young boy beneath him whom he had been snogging the sense out of (oh Merlin, please let him be older than fourteen, please let him be older than fourteen…) looking up at the ceiling and blushing hard.

"Never mind…." Remus said. He looked at James, who looked at him, while Sirius looked between the two. "Shall we do that Potions stuff then?" he asked in a brittle voice and James only nodded.

After Remus was out the door, James shot Sirius a look back over his shoulder and Sirius stared back.

As soon as James and Mooney had sat down in the common room, away from the bustling chatter of the center of the room for the darker corner, Remus turned to his longtime friend. "Did you know he was…well…?"

"Oh I had my suspicions. I mean come on; it's Sirius, right? But I never thought I'd see him lying on his bed dry humping some kid."

James watched Remus carefully, but saw no change in his normally calm demeanor. It was as if he had just walked in on Padfoot sleeping for all the emotion he showed… "Yeah…and what is that? Why pick someone so young?"

"There aren't a lot of guys who want to cozy up to Padfoot in Hogwarts?"

"You'd be surprised," Remus muttered, more to himself.

"What?" James asked, looking up from where he had pulled his books out.

Remus smiled a little. "Nothing. Now, what did you need help with?"

"Oh…umm…actually, I think I'm gonna leave it for tonight. Sorry to have bothered you from your work!"

And with that, he dashed off to the dormitories. Remus watched him go, shrugged, looked back at his translation, and rubbed his eyes. Well why should James and Sirius start making sense now?

James burst in just as the younger boy was leaving. "Sorry" he muttered as he almost walked into him.

"Oi! Try not being such a spaz next time, eh?"

James glared. "Get out, the _adults_ are speaking!"

The boy cast him a dirty look then left. James looked at his best mate who was lying in bed looking up at him hopefully. "Okay, please tell me you didn't actually snog that little prat."

"Pfft. No. What do you think I am?"

"How old was he anyway?"

"I forget…Fourth Year? Fifth? …Anyhow, what did Mooney say?"

"Surprisingly nothing."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "What??"

"Yeah, he was actually not really bothered at all… I thought the age thing at least would be something, but all he asked was what it was about."

"And you said…?"

"I just said maybe there aren't a lot of guys who want to cozy up to you at Hogwarts. You do have a bit of a reputation y'know…"

"Yeah well it's not like you helped! You were supposed to hint that he should be enraged! This is all your fault!!"

"My fault? It's your stupid plan!"

"I know!!" He rolled over and tried to suffocate himself.

"So what's the next step after this?" James asked, sitting down beside him. He then fell to the floor as Padfoot tried to ram the pillow down his throat.

--

"So next step…" said Sires as he and James walked down to breakfast that morning.

"See? You do not see me jamming a pillow in your face for mentioning the process do you?"

"Shut up. Padfoot speaks." James rolled his eyes. "Now, as I was saying. The next step can't happen right away, because you, my good friend, need to prove to Lily you are dating Miss Baudelaire. So…let her catch you snogging the gal passionately in the broom cupboard or something."

"But I don't want to kiss her. She doesn't like Lily…"

"No wonder Evans hasn't dated you yet… Because you're thicker than a god damned TROLL!"

"Don't shout I'm right here."

"Apologies. So…how are we going to get Evans to find the two of you spending some, ah, 'quality time' together?"

James rubbed his chine. "Hmm…I think I might know…"

"Lily, are you drawing up the timetable for patrols?"

"Yes. Why?" She looked up from her seat in the common room where she had the schedule on her lap, poring over it.

"Need any help?"

What the…? "Sure…thanks."

James, being the deviously clever lad he was, arranged it, through careful planning, and then changing it when Lily turned to talk to her friend, so that she would be patrolling the next evening with the Richardson bloke (who was a prefect, bless him).

He smiled at her when they finished then went off to do 'Marauder stuff', aka, tell Sirius he had done it.

--

Lily smiled at Richardson. He smiled back. If he were a good three or so inches taller (Lily liked them tall) she might have considered dating him.

She was vaguely familiar with him, having been a fellow Prefect for the same number of years, but she couldn't really say she ever knew him. She tried to remember if they had ever gone on patrol together before, and thought she might have recalled one time… But most Prefects usually went out with the other people form their own House.

Nevertheless, she was stuck here, and as they quietly roamed the halls, she tried to find something to say.

"Are you trying to ignore the awkward silence as well?" he asked, glancing over. She giggled.

"Yes. Oh Merlin, I thought I would just have to sit here and think the whole time. Don't get me wrong, I think thinking is great, but chatting can be nice as well."

They were just turning the corner, when there was a muffled giggle and a whispered hush, followed by a stifled moan. "When will they learn that we know where the broom cupboards are?" Lily asked and Richardson smirked.

She opened the door, ready to hand out detentions, but then speech became a paradox, and she closed her mouth.

There was Potter and Baudelaire, him with his mouth all over her neck, her flushed and breathless. They looked up at her, and she felt the embarrassment creeping over her cheeks.

"Evans?" James asked.

She couldn't take it a second longer, and hurriedly closed the door on them and ran away.

---------


	2. Chapter 2

**Sirius Black's Guide to Getting the Object of One's Affections in Ten Easy Steps**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male)!! Ye be warned

**Author's Note: **Part two. That's all. XD

---------

"I need a word with you two." James and Sirius looked up. "Well, mostly just Prongs."

"Yes! Off the hook again!" Sirius did the celebratory wiggle.

"Oh, I'm sure you were involved in one way or another, so don't go wiggling about yet." Remus sounded uncharacteristically stern.

"Sit then, and speak good sir."

Remus sat down and glared hard at James. "Are you fucking mental?" Prongs and Padfoot's mouths both dropped into perfect 'o's.

"Did he just cuss?"

"He did."

"Wow… are we dead?"

"…No idea…"

"You're going to be if you don't go and apologize to Lily!" Remus snapped. "How could you just go dry humping some random girl in a broom cupboard when she was on patrol duty?"

"I didn't plan it!" James replied, sounding very convincing.

Sirius attempted to edge away, but Remus rounded on him. "And you set them up I bet! How could you? You _know_ Lily likes him!"

"I what? Since when? I'm not friends with Evans! How could I know anything about what she feels or wants?"

"It's called _tact_ Sirius. And it's obvious to anyone who isn't a conceited jerk that she's just in denial." And with that, he got up and strode away angrily.

"Did that just happen?" James asked shakily.

"I…I hope not…"

--

"So clearly we've made them jealous, and now for step five."

James looked up from his breakfast. Mooney hadn't come down yet, and they had a few moments to speak privately.

"But Mooney didn't look jealous, he-"

"I said…step five." Sirius gave him a look the brooked no arguments, and James smiled feebly.

"Step five."

"Right. Time to break up."

"Finally! I actually had to kiss that bird y'know. It was…well she's actually really good at it, but it was still horrifying!!"

"I know, Jeanette can do things with her tongue that I have never been able to replicate…"

"Right… So, oh, look, here comes Evans, and she's with Mooney."

"Oh Jesus loves me today."

Remus and Lily sat down a few empty places away, and Sirius veritably giggled. Remus was right near the boy he had been 'snogging' yesterday.

He walked up, not catching the young werewolf's gaze, but the boy from before had noticed him. He sat up a little straighter.

"Look," Sirius said as he came over, feeling Remus' eyes on his back, "I know you had high hopes, but…it's just not going to work out."

The little sod nodded as though he might cry, and Sirius put a hand on his shoulder. This was so worth the ten galleons the kid was getting paid. "Please don't be upset."

"Actually" said the kid around a mouthful of kipper, "I really fancy this bird in Hufflepuff, so no worries."

Sirius glared. The little ponce! He was being mocked. How rude. He could hear the snickers of people around him and straightened. "Good, 'cause…you were rubbish anyway."

The boy smiled. "Keep telling yourself that."

Sirius huffed and went back to sit in his place across from James. "That went…well?" his best mate offered and Sirius merely glowered.

"Well I'm off. There's Jeanette practically drooling on Richardson…" He wiped a mock tear. "I'll miss her…"

He got up, put on a face of annoyance, and made his way toward her. "What are you doing?" he demanded rather louder than was necessary.

She looked down at her feet pointedly. "Walking to breakfast."

"With _him_?"

She laughed derisively. She was one helluva an actress… "Yes, with Kevin."

"I don't like you hanging off of other guys."

"And I don't like you being a jealous berk!"

"Maybe I should go," said Richardson uneasily. Clearly he didn't want to be the object of James' wrath.

"No, stay," said Jeanette softly.

"No, go. I need to have a word with my _girlfriend_. Not that she seems to want to act like one."

"Oh puh-lease. Like you don't still moon after Lily Evans!"

--

Lily looked up at the sound of her named being shouted, and a couple people turned to look at her. "Should I do something?" she whispered fiercely to Remus.

"Maybe…" He shrugged.

She got up and made her way slowly to the entrance where James and his girlfriend were rowing.

--

James turned red, mostly from embarrassment, but it looked like anger. "You're supposed to be mine!"

Her eyes narrowed. She had spotted Lily.

"I don't belong to anyone, Potter, most especially you!" She turned to leave, but he caught her arm.

She whirled and slapped him, hard, and he reeled back, looking shocked. She too looked surprised she had hit him, but hid it well.

"Keep your hands off of me Potter," she spat. "We're done."

James rubbed his face as Jeanette flounced off with Richardson, who gulped a little, while Lily moved to see if James was okay.

"Are you alright? She hit you awfully hard."

"I'll live" he muttered. The side of his face felt like it was on fire.

"Let me see it," she murmured, pulling his hand away to examine the damage. Her fingers felt cool on the abused skin, as she gently poked at it. "It seems fine, but you might want to put ice on it just in case…"

And then she was looking up at him, the bright unashamed green of her eyes marred with concern for his well-being, and James was hypnotized. He felt his face lowering and his gaze was directed on the soft, gentle contours of her lips, but then he pulled back. No. He couldn't now. That would just ruin it, not excluding the fact he would look a bit of a man-whore by breaking up with one bird then immediately snogging Evans. No…that would not be good at all…

Lily looked up at him his lips millimeters from her own, her breath catching in her throat. Oh Merlin he was going to kiss her… Her eyelids drooped, her long lashes brushing the very peaks of her cheeks, which had gone pink, and her mouth tilted up to his.

When he pulled away, she felt like she had been doused in icy water. Then James pushed past her, out of the Great Hall where a number of people (some teachers) were gawking at them.

--

The next day, Lily Evans could hardly think about her work. All her mind wanted to dwell on was James Potter and how she had come so close to kissing him; their breaths mingling, her heart pounding in her chest, and the butterflies that wove deliriously in her stomach.

There was no more lying to herself. She was utter completely, head over heels, ass over teakettle, in love with him. She wanted him to kiss her and caress her and touch her and…

"Hello?? Lily? Are you even paying attention?"

She looked up from her Arithmancy textbook to see that the other students were packing up their belongings, and heading out of the classroom. Apparently the lesson was over. She looked up at the young man who had called her name. Remus Lupin.

"Oh. Yeah…sorry just got caught up in a few things…" She hurriedly stuffed her book into her bag and followed him out of the class to the common room.

"What's on your mind?"

"What? What makes you think anything's on my mind"

"Umm…you just sat for a whole lesson staring off into space with a dreamy look on your face for one. For two, we all saw that little episode in the Great hall this morning. Come on; admit it. You like James Potter."

"No, I don't. I wanted to make sure he was okay, that was it. We're friends, at best."

They headed down for dinner and Remus smirked, "You know, I thought the same thing for about a year before I realized I actually was I love with the person."

"You're in what?" Lily demanded, "Who? Tell me now!"

"I will if you admit you fancy James."

Lily glared at her friend. "That's blackmail."

"And don't you just love how it works sometimes?"

"God you're such a Marauder" she mumbled; along with something that sounded rather like 'think you're so clever stupid arse'.

"I heard that. Now…admit you at least fancy the damn bloke or live in agony not knowing whom I am in love with."

Lily sighed and threw herself dramatically into the wall as they made their way to lunch. "Fine. I fancy him."

"Who?"

"James Potter."

"Now say it all together…"

Lily glared. Oh she definitely hated him right then. "I fancy James Potter," she muttered.

"What was that?"

"Remus Lupin, don't make me hex you!"

"I got it, I got it…so, you fancy James eh? Aww, that's cute…"

"Shut up. I hate you. Now tell me who you're in love with."

Remus blushed and put his hands in his pockets, looking at his feet. "Srsblk" he mumbled.

Lily stopped, hoping she had heard wrong. "What? Repeat that."

Remus took a huge breath and let it out. "Sirius. Sirius Black."

Lily gaped openly for several stunned moments. "You mean, prank-pulling, book-fearing, is-a-complete-arse-who-respects-no-one, Marauder, Sirius Black?"

Remus frowned. "I also happen to be a Marauder, thanks very much. And he respects lots of people. Like his friends, and Dumbledore…and decent people who fight for what's right."

"Along with the guy who invented Chocolate Frogs! Does that not say something to you Remus?"

His look became icy. "I don't need your approval Lily. I thought you would be happy… I guess not. So, if you could just keep this to yourself, that would be excellent." And with that, he strode off angrily down to the Great Hall.

Lily looked after him. Oh fuck, whom was she kidding? She was head over heels for James Potter who was just as bad as Black… And now she had just made Remus angry. Grrreat…

--

Remus sat down at the table in a huff next to Sirius and across from James, who were discussing some elaborate prank. "Mooney!" Sirius trilled. "How perfect your timing is. We need you for our prank."

"No."

Sirius threw an arm around him. "Why not? You usually at least help us plan them so we don't get into too much mayhem… What's wrong?"

Remus shrugged him off. "Nothing. I'm not feeling well; I'm just going to go to the dorm until class. See you." And with that, he left.

Sirius looked at James, who looked back at him. "What's eating him?" the messy haired youth asked. Sirius shrugged.

"Damned if I know… So, do you reckon dung bombs would be powerful enough?"

--

James sighed as he lay in bed early the next morning. He had been so close to kissing Lily Evans. So close. Fuck, why did he have to grow a conscience at that moment?

"Prongsie!!" Sirius shouted, jumping onto his bed. "Time to get up!" Then he leaned in conspiratorially, "We have to get to the next step of the plan. Come on."

They got up, showered and dressed (separately) and were making their way down to breakfast, when they spotted Lily talking animatedly to her friend Mary Macdonald, by the entrance to the Great Hall.

"Go time Prongs. Pass her by, eye her up like you want to devour her, then toss out a compliment or two." James nodded and made his way casually past her.

--

Lily shivered when she felt eyes on her. She looked up and caught James eyeing her legs, which descended shapely and gracefully from under her short skirt (she knew she shouldn't have bought it/worn it) then watched as his eyes rose to her stomach and chest, making her heart pound and her breath catch in her throat. Oh Merlin…she hoped her knees weren't shaking.

Then he was looking her in the eye, his eyes suggesting just what he's like to do to her at the moment (throw her down and shag her into oblivion), and he smiled, all charm. She tried to smile back but her lips could hardly move.

"Macdonald" James murmured, nodding to Lily's friend, who looked between the two suspiciously. She nodded back. "Lily. You look great today…love the skirt."

And with a little wink, he had passed by. Lily remembered how to breathe and gasped in lungful and lungful of air. Oh Merlin…what the hell was wrong with her? Mary looked gloatingly at her. "So you finally realized you're made for him have you?"

Lily glared, and stalked into the Great Hall for breakfast. But then she spotted James again and felt suddenly very conscious of her body. It felt awkward and her arms felt too large. She looked away. Damn him for doing this to her!

"Mate, look, Evans is having another orgasm by looking at you again" Sirius giggled.

James smirked. "Oh I always knew she wanted me. Yep, I am irresistible."

Sirius coughed something that sounded distinctly like 'Lies!' but smiled nonetheless. "Right…"

--

"Remus…"

"Sirius."

"How goes it?"

The werewolf shrugged. The full wasn't for a couple weeks, so he felt at peak health. "Great. You?"

"Splendid, Mooney, splendid."

"That's good." Remus sighed, and looked back at his pile of homework. "I have too much work Pads…"

"I told you not to take all the classes humanly possible…I told you in third year…"

Remus sighed and flopped back on the couch. Sirius took this opportunity to lie all over him. "Remus?"

"Hmm…?"

"You look very nice today."

Remus looked at him as though he had suddenly grown a third arm from the top of his head. "Thanks…"

Sirius smiled, oblivious. "No problem."

--

Lily tried to avoid James Potter at all costs, but she found him suddenly everywhere she went in the next few days. And every time she saw him, she would feel a blush erupt over her cheeks, and her palms would go sweaty as her mouth went dry.

James wanted to keep her in his sights as much as possibly, and took just about every opportunity to flirt with her. He would smile charmingly, or just do the uber-sexy-pose, or compliment her, loving the way she would try to look offended and not smile and blush.

"Evans, you are looking…delectable this morning."

Lily crimsoned as she sat down a few places to his right for breakfast making sure Lupin stayed between them. "Thank you."

"Why so shy?" He patted the seat beside him that was empty. "Come, sit with me Lily."

She looked at her plate. "I'm fine here."

"Please?"

She rolled her eyes. He wouldn't stop, of that she had no doubts… And it wouldn't be _too_ bad to sit near him… She stood and moved over, sitting beside him. James looked at Sirius, who smirked back.

Breakfast passed without incident, until Lily was getting up to head off to class. James stood up in the same instant, and the next thing she knew, she was standing rather pressed to him, and suddenly unable to function properly. "S-sorry…"

But James didn't say anything. Instead, he reached for her chin, tilting her head back, and his mouth covered hers. And she didn't care that she was supposed to hate him, or that she was making out with him in front of the school, she kissed him back, whimpering lightly when he pulled away.

"If you want to keep going, I think we should charge our audience" James whispered. Then it hit her. She had just snogged James. James Potter. In front of the entire school. Oh no.

She pushed past him and hurried out of the room, ignoring the many stares she received.

James looked at Sirius, who gaped back, and then dashed after her. "Lily! Lily wait! Come back!!"

--

"Pretty crazy with Prongs and Evans today, eh?" said Sirius as he and Remus were walking back from Herbology at the end of the school day.

"Yeah…"

"So it looks like maybe she's starting to come round…"

Remus shrugged. "Maybe. I think he shouldn't have kissed her in so public a place though. She was probably embarrassed."

Sirius swallowed nervously. Well the hallway was deserted, so it wasn't really in public…was it?

"Remus…can I…talk to you?"

"Of course Sirius. What are friends for?"

Sirius looked at him, gathered up his courage (which seemed notably less in the face of this romantic encounter than normal…) and kissed Remus hard on the mouth. It was rough, and rather unromantic, and over entirely too soon. Remus pushed him away almost brutally.

He looked at Sirius, horrified, and then turned tail and fled. He couldn't deal with this right now. Sirius was straight… Sirius liked women…a lot …No it was a prank. Yes…a prank, there was no way Sirius Black would ever kiss him for something less. Ever.

He sighed and slumped against the wall. Man things were fucked up…

--

"She ran away!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. He had been hearing the same sentiment for days now. It had been that long since James had planted his kiss on Lily, and he had yet to speak with her. She had holed herself up in her room, or the library, and scurried in and out of classes on the bell.

"So did Remus! In fact, I would say Remus took it like fifty times worse than Evans."

James sighed. "This plan is stupid… Now Lily really hates me."

"Pfft if Evans hates you, I'm the fucking queen of England. It's so obviously she likes you. Lurrrrrves you even."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"No problem. I expect you to name your firstborn after me though. Boy or girl."

James rolled his eyes. "You get Lily to talk to me again, and I will make you godfather of my firstborn. I refuse to let another child go around making the terrible Pun though."

"Fine, I'll get you and Lily back together."

"Nice! Then we can go onto…what, step eight now?"

"Yes…the Grand Gesture. Any thoughts on what you'll do for your paramour?"

James paled slightly. He hadn't thought about it. At all… He looked at his best mate. "You have to help me!!"

"Calm down Prongs, I will…"

--

"Lily."

"Black. What do you want?"

"One, have you seen Remus, and two, James wants to talk to you."

"Yes I've seen Remus and why does James need to speak to me?"

"Where is he? And I don't know. I just know he needs to talk to you, He's upstairs in the dorm if you want to talk now."

Lily sighed, taking the hint, and closed her book heavily. No point studying now… She set off up the stairs to the boys' dorms, and Sirius watched her go grinning. Then he realized something. He still didn't know where Remus was.

"Hey! Where is Remus!?" he shouted after her.

"Library!"

Lily stood at the door to James' room for a good minute, trying to psyche herself up to open the door. She could feel her fingers shaking, thinking about how he had kissed her, and how his lips had felt covering hers so perfectly. Swallowing, and mustering a shaky breath, she reached out and knocked quietly.

"It's open."

She turned the knob and pushed gently, and the door swung open. James was on his bed, sprawled casually and haphazardly, all masculine angles and hollows, and looked up, smiling at her. "Evans. Come in."

She came in and sat on the only made bed in the room, which she assumed was Remus'. It was to the left of James bed, and he sat up on the edge of his own bed to face her.

"Black said you needed you needed to talk with me." She was surprised to find her voice sounded normal. No breathiness, no little quiver. Nothing. YES! She totally won!

"Yeah. Er…" He looked at the floor, apparently nervous. "First off, I'm sorry for just…kissing you…like that…in front of everyone. I know it's not what you wanted."

Lily stared. Who was the creature and where the hell was James Potter? She looked over his shoulder. Nothing. Hmm…

"And secondly…" He didn't seem to notice her at all, as he was still resolutely studying his shoe. Lily looked but found nothing noteworthy. "Well, I know I might have said this before, but…I…I'm in love with you. And…if you want…would you want to maybe…go out…sometime?"

Lily gaped, and James hazarded a look upward. Damn, damn…his plan was failing after nine steps! No!! Abort! Abort mission!! …He _really_ had to stop watching Muggle movies…

"James…" Lily began, but found she had nothing really to say. "I…" I what? I feel the same and I want to kiss you and touch you and be with you? I'm ass over teakettle for you but can't admit it? Well that about summed it up.

Then, without thinking, or planning, or reasoning, or bothering to weight the pros and cons of it (most un-Lily-like), she leaned in and kissed him. She pulled back half a second later, blushing hard, but James was grinning and moved with her, recapturing her lips, and gently working them with his.

"So that's a yes then?"

"Absolutely. Now…shut up and kiss me."

--

"Attention ladies and gentlemen! And Snape!"

Remus looked up to where Sirius was standing on the bench, shaking his head. Would the prat never learn that giant speeches made in the Great Hall were a surefire way to get detention? Of course not…this was Sirius Black…

"I have an announcement!!" Sirius bellowed. Everyone was looking at him, and he smirked back. "I have found the one true person I would like to make mine! Until the unforeseeable future that is."

Whispering amongst the female population was rampant. Who would it be? Who was _the_ Sirius Black going to take as his girlfriend??

"Mooney, if you could stand please." Sirius said, looking down at him.

The sudden feeling of hundreds of eyes on him, made Remus shift. "Leave me out of this Padfoot," he muttered.

"Oh, but I cannot. For you see Remus…I want you."

The whispering spread out tenfold from them. Remus blushed hard. "Get off it, it's not funny."

"Well getting off is a thought" he winked, "but I jest not Mooney. Date me?"

Remus glared, horrified (yet oddly light inside). "I…I…I can't believe… No."

"What?"

"I said, no. Go find someone who actually appreciates public humiliation." And with that, he got up and strode out of the Great Hall to spend the rest of lunch in the library. Sirius stared after him. He had been…rejected.

By Remus…

It…hurt?

--

"Mmph. Mmm…Lily."

"Yes?"

James looked down at her, panting and breathless underneath him on his bed…or was it Remus'? Hell, who knew anymore?

"Do you want me to stop?"

Her shirt was half off already, and her skirt had ridden up around her waist. She swallowed and looked at him. His face was flushed, his eyes darkened with desire, and his hair more rumpled than normal. His shirt was gone and she could see the marks that would undoubtedly form from where she had kissed his neck and chest. Merlin…she wanted - no, _needed _- him.

"James Potter, if you don't finish what you've started I will never let you do it again."

His head dipped and caught her lips. "Mmm, god you don't know how long I've wanted this…"

She sat up, James sitting up with her, and practically ripped off her shirt, unhooking her bra, and tossing it aside. "Me too." James looked shocked. "Don't pretend you don't know it. Now…" she looked up coquettishly form under her eyelashes. "Don't you have something that you should be doing about now?"

--

"Remus?" Sirius whispered into the smothering silence of the library. A few studious fifth years glared, and he resisted the urge to flip them off. He had a mission!

He gulped, pushing away his fear of books (who _really_ knew what they were capable of?), and continued back through the stacks.

He spotted the finger tousled, almost gingery locks of hair that were Remus and breathed a sigh of relief…only to start coughing obscenely from dust inhalation.

Remus looked round. "Sirius!" Why did he look so surprised? "Why are you in the library?"

"Looking for you" the Animagus choked out. "We need to talk."

"Sure…" Remus swallowed. Damn. The last time Padfoot had 'talked' with him, he had ended up kissing him, and Remus didn't think he'd be able to hold back if it happened again… "Look, I'm sorry about…I didn't mean to embarrass you earlier, but…"

"Can we…go somewhere…else? The books…"

Remus chuckled. "Sure." Good ol' Sirius and his phobias.

Apparently, the hallway was much better, because Sirius made no move to go any further away form the library. Remus shifted awkwardly.

"Remus, I…I can't do this…" He made to turn away, but Remus took hold of his hand.

"Sirius, please. Tell me."

"I…I…I made this bet with James, and it was only supposed to be a joke, cause he wanted to get with Evans, so I let him in on my secret ten step process, and then he wagered me, and then I had to try to make a move on you, and…and I guess…fuck, I'm sorry Remus."

Remus stared. "What?"

Sirius took a deep breath, and explained more fully the situation. "And…and I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable, or anything, cause of…the kissing…and…yeah."

"About that, Sirius, I'm sorry I was so…earlier, I just…" He took a deep breath. He had to do this. Was he a Gryffindor or not? Time to find some of that courage… "I knew you were joking, but…I…I like you in a…more than friends sort of way, and…and I…" He looked down to where he was still holding Sirius' hand.

"RemusIthinkIloveyou."

Remus stared. "Don't say that," he whispered. He closed his eyes, still holding onto those five fingers, the only thing connecting him to reality. "Please…don't say that."

Sirius pulled his hand away. Remus didn't like him like that then. "But…"

"No. Padfoot, you can't love me. You just…can't."

"Why not?"

"Because you like women."

"…What if I didn't?"

"There are millions of 'what if's. It doesn't do anyone any good to dwell on-"

Sirius tried not to shake him as he gripped the werewolf's shoulders. "Remus, have you lost your mind? I'm standing here telling you I think I might just be in love with you!!"

"I… No. No you don't! Stop saying it! The bet is done, it's over; you can stop pretending!"

"Who's pretending?!"

The sound of Sirius shouting shook Remus into opening his eyes. Bad idea. Now he was looking at Sirius' eyes, and they were so…so convincing…

"Remus…" Sirius moved through the miniscule gap between them until he was almost pressed to Remus. Remus tried to move, but Padfoot was still holding him. "God damn it Mooney…can't you see that I want to be with you?"

"But-"

"No buts." Remus, however, looked like there were quite a few more buts he might like to explore and/or talk about, so Sirius took matters into his own hands. His lips bridging the gap opened over Remus'.

Remus gasped and his eyes fluttered shut. Then Sirius was licking his bottom lip, and Remus reacted on pure instinct. The next thing he knew, he was pushing Sirius into the wall and snogging him for all he was worth. He pulled back and breathed one word. "Upstairs."

Sirius grinned. "I thought you'd never ask…"

--

"So you actually _got with_ got with Evans then?"

"A gentleman never kisses and tells," James retorted. Sirius snorted as the pair made their way down to the Quidditch pitch.

"If all you did was kiss her, I so win the bet."

"Pfft, yeah right. You're telling me you and Mooney got together? I'll believe it when I see it."

Sirius giggled. "I'll have to clear it with Remus, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you saw the photos…"

"Photos?"

"Photos."

There was a slight silence while James digested this news. "On second thought, I believe you. Shall we call it a tie then?"

"Sure. …You know, I told you this plan would work."

James shook his head. "Unbelievable but true."

"Pfft…my plan is infallible! In-fucking-fallible!"

"Hmm…do you think it would work on Peter?" James asked, smirking.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa… I'm not a miracle worker Prongs."

THE END

---------

**Author's Note: **ehh I hate the ending, but it shall suffice. Here it is…LOL, a month or so after I started it. XD


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